So, I sheepishly return to my blog, two whole months since my last entry. I kept avoiding it, waiting to see if I could at least come back with some more positive news. I always wanted my blog to be an honest expression of my feelings and reflection of my life, no prettifying anything, but my long silence was beginning to feel dishonest. I needed a little help.
I regained my courage after buying these fabulous red rain boots.
There’s something magical that happens when you step into red footwear. Suddenly, you can muck through anything in life. Rainy days are no longer depressing. In fact, they become fun.
So here goes: things are bad in my marriage. I can’t say exactly what, some things should remain private, but just to quell any worries, I can tell you what it’s not. It’s not because of abuse, in any form, or physical disease, or addiction.
Suffice it to say, that one day I came to my tipping point. Luckily, my husband hit rock bottom pretty much at that very moment, with his depression and other issues of self-loathing and basic manly idiocy, and realized that if he didn’t do something right away he would lose his family. Finally, on his own, he is getting some helpful therapy and that’s about the only reason there is still hope.
What really pisses me off (and I’m sorry to bring in such vulgar language) is that he has it all. Really! He has a wonderful life, but he doesn’t see it. And I’m sick and tired of that being my problem. Fix it yourself.
The other infuriating point is that he was willfully blind. I didn’t realize that he could do that. There isn’t a moment that I don’t think about the consequences of my actions, but it seems like some people can shut that off when it gets too tough.
Yeah, it’s tough having a little kid that completely monopolizes your wife, but deal with it. Geez! What do you think I’ve been doing all this time? Skipping through the park with posies? Plus, seriously, it’s fun having a toddler. It’s the best thing ever. At least it is for me. We’ll see if he feels the same way soon enough.
A marriage should start solid as a rock to make it through these long bouts of breastfeeding and co-sleeping and tantrums and ear infections. I realize now that some people have weaker “constitutions” when it comes to the institution.
He has a longer road ahead on the journey to zen happiness… and I really thought he was right there next to me! Instead, he was lagging way behind and I was too busy to notice. Before having a baby, I would have waited for him. But I have a beautiful toddler now, and I can’t just stop dead on this road.
He’ll just have to catch up.
Are you ready, boots? Start walkin’.