New rain boots to muck through life.

So, I sheepishly return to my blog, two whole months since my last entry. I kept avoiding it,  waiting to see if I could at least come back with some more positive news.  I always wanted my blog to be an honest expression of my feelings and reflection of my life, no prettifying anything, but my long silence was beginning to feel dishonest. I needed a little help.

I regained my courage after buying these fabulous red rain boots.

There’s something magical that happens when you step into red footwear. Suddenly, you can muck through anything in life. Rainy days are no longer depressing. In fact, they become fun.

So here goes: things are bad in my marriage. I can’t say exactly what, some things should remain private, but just to quell any worries, I can tell you what it’s not. It’s not because of abuse, in any form, or physical disease, or addiction.

Suffice it to say, that one day I came to my tipping point. Luckily, my husband hit rock bottom pretty much at that very moment, with his depression and other issues of self-loathing and basic manly idiocy, and realized that if he didn’t do something right away he would lose his family. Finally, on his own, he is getting some helpful therapy and that’s about the only reason there is still hope.

What really pisses me off (and I’m sorry to bring in such vulgar language) is that he has it all. Really! He has a wonderful life, but he doesn’t see it. And I’m sick and tired of that being my problem. Fix it yourself.

The other infuriating point is that he was willfully blind. I didn’t realize that he could do that. There isn’t a moment that I don’t think about the consequences of my actions, but it seems like some people can shut that off when it gets too tough.

Yeah, it’s tough having a little kid that completely monopolizes your wife, but deal with it. Geez! What do you think I’ve been doing all this time? Skipping through the park with posies? Plus, seriously, it’s fun having a toddler. It’s the best thing ever. At least it is for me. We’ll see if he feels the same way soon enough.

A marriage should start solid as a rock to make it through these long bouts of breastfeeding and co-sleeping and tantrums and ear infections. I realize now that some people have weaker “constitutions” when it comes to the institution.

He has a longer road ahead on the journey to zen happiness… and I really thought he was right there next to me! Instead, he was lagging way behind and I was too busy to notice. Before having a baby, I would have waited for him. But I have a beautiful toddler now, and I can’t just stop dead on this road.

He’ll just have to catch up.

Are you ready, boots? Start walkin’.



Filed under My Life

10 responses to “New rain boots to muck through life.

  1. Anonymous

    I don’t know all the details of your life (obviously 🙂 LIke if you and he both work or if you are a stay home mom etc…. But I can tell you that I try to always appreciate my husband’s honestly. Most men don’t have the courage or balls to say to their wife “I love you and our baby, but I am at times very jealous of the time he/she gets with you. I want it too!” It sounds like maybe he just wants more of you. This is the times marriages get sticky. It’s all a bit of give and take and just trying to figure out how that works.

  2. Anonymous

    I don’t know all the details of your life (obviously) 😛 But I can say that I think it’s somewhat normal for men t o be jealous of their kids. It takes a very introspective man to be able to say “you know what? I love you, and our family….but damn… I am jealous of the attention THEY get.” I don’t recall how old your boy is, but if you are breastfeeding past a year and have co sleeping babies in bed, etc, at some point he probably just doesn’t know when it will “end.” If you care to, I would consciously make special time for him (dad) too and try to do things together. I hope the counseling works for you all. Based on what you are saying here tho, I think his feelings AND yours are rather common.

  3. CJ

    Oh Karla, I’m so sorry. I was wondering how you were. I can’t imagine how difficult things must be right now, but I do agree that there is nothing like a busy toddler to force you to live in the moment. I’m sending you all lots of Texan good luck. Oh, and I couldn’t agree more: red shoes are the best!

    • Thanks Carolyn! I’ll let you know when the Texan luck kicks in. Now, I’m going to read all your posts, which I’ve missed all this time.

  4. Anonymous

    I’ve tried to leave a response more than once 😦 Not sure if you are going to get this!! So sorry to hear. If you care for insight or advice, I will say this…your husband probably is some combination of jealous (of your kid) and missing YOU! As a first time mom and dad, you don’t really “know” what to expect. It’s hard to see or say what is YOUR doing and what is just your kid being difficult. He’s probably wondering when the hard part ends or when he’ll get his own bed back and his wife. Things change constantly and if you keep that in mind, I think it will help you both!

    • Hello! Yes, I’ve gotten your messages, but when it’s the first time someone drops a line, I have to approve it first before it gets published. I think your insights are right on, but he’s also dealing with other personal issues. I guess I should have mentionned that he was more than welcome in the “family” bed anytime, but he chose to go to the guest bedroom for better quality sleep. Another note, we were never the type of couple to confine our affections to the bedroom. All this to say that co-sleeping and breastfeeding are no excuse for how he’s been acting.
      Frankly, I don’t expect the hard times to end.. I’m sure you know that every age brings on new challenges, but I embrace them and look at the positive and joyful times, whereas my husband is indeed wondering when the hard part will end. That attitude has poisoned everything. Sorry, what I mean to say is thanks. Thanks for writing to me and I hope I can relay some good news soon. By the way, do you have a blog?

      • Hi Karla! Yes my dear, It’s me (mybabiesmama) “Laura”, I have no idea why I was unable to post to you thru my blog!! UGH!!! I haven’t blogged lately either. Not sure where I am going with it entirely (my original subject changes).

      • By the way, you can delete my dup messages. I just really had the urge to write to you and when it didn’ts how up I assumed it was ME posting wrong. Awaiting good news soon!

  5. I just bought myself a red pair of footwear (my first?) last weekend, and I am all kinds of excited to wear it tomorrow. I’m hoping having it on will help me focus on feeling empowered and less on feeling sick, tired and a little bit worried.

    Perhaps wearing them will also recall the tone of this post, which includes sad things but is so resolute. I like the sense of gearing up to face hard times rather than running from them. I hope the gear both of you have shelters you adequately, and I’m glad to see you here, in all your honesty. Ganbatte. ♥

  6. I do not even understand how I finished up right here, however I believed this put up was great. I do not realize who you are however certainly you are going to a famous blogger in case you are not already. Cheers!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s